Crawling...or not

For those of you moms out there whose kids did things early or right on time please try to understand how it feels when you're kid does some things late.
Ethan sat up on time, rolled over on time, and started babbling early. He sat up at 6 1/2 months and sat up really well at 8 months. He's been scooting backwards for the last 3 weeks (when he was 9 months). He just doesn't seem to care to crawl. He's 10 months old and I have begun to worry. The books say that it's not uncommon for kids to just get up and walk and skip crawling all together or for them to crawl later than 10 months old. I feel like I'm placing so much expectation on Ethan to keep up with my friends kids. I keep forgetting that he's an individual and the books are just averages. You always want your kid to be more than average. I have friends whose kids crawled at 6 1/2 months or walked at 10 months and my kid just doesn't care to do it.
I wonder how I can let it go when in the back of my mind I'm worried that he'll never do it. But, then I remember that there was a time that I didn't think he's ever roll over, or sit up, etc. He did all of them and he did them in his own timing. I've got to just let go and let him be Ethan.

Lessons Learned

In the last week I've been trying to figure out what I can take from this experience and here's what I've come up with so far:

Lesson #1 - I am not in control. I am a big planner and for those of you who have known me for a very long time, I tend to live in the future more than the present. I had these plans to get pregnant right away (which I did), have a baby in the fall (not wanting a holiday baby like myself), and so on. I didn't ever think that I would experience losing a baby. And although I feel out of control right now, it's mostly because I now know that I never was in control. God had a plan for how my life was going to go and no matter how much I planned He was going to take a detour from my plans.

Lesson #2 - I need to be thankful for where I am now. I've been learning to thankful for the present. Lately, I've been trying to recognize the small things that I am thankful for. It's really silly really. The things this week that I've been thankful for were: not having to pee every 20-30 minutes anymore, being able to use a facewash I couldn't use when I was pregnant, and being thankful that I now have a little more time just for me and Ken.

Lesson #3 - I need to let go and let my life happen around me. I know this one is a lot like #1, but it seems different. I realized that God gave me a desire to be a mother. I hope that He will bless us with healthy children, but I also know that He has placed children everywhere around me. My friends kids, my sister's kids, and the kids that I watch every day at work. Today at work, I sat back and realized that I feel whole when I'm with children. Despite how down I have been feeling when I'm alone at home, by the time I get to work I am in another world. I am happy and feel fulfilled.

This last week has been better than the week before. On Saturday, after trying to go back to work and not being able to stop crying to do so, Ken and I headed up to Calaveras County to the Big Tree State Park to take a small hike. In retrospect that was probably not the best decision for me since I was still healing. Needless to say, we ended up in the ER for 5 hours on Sunday night. By the time I got there the problem had gone away. I won't get into detail. It might gross some people out. I was told to take a couple more days off work and rest. Ken stayed home with me Monday, but Tuesday I was on my own. I stayed in bed and cried until my dad came for a couple hours.

Wednesday I went back to my OB's office for a checkup and thankfully everything looked good. But, I just couldn't stop crying and Ken had to convince me that going back to work was going to be good for me. I had been talking about wanting to see my kids at work and how I wanted life to start moving forward for a few days. I made it to work and felt normal finally. It's still a daily battle to get out bed and face the day, but I am hopeful that I won't always feel pain. I am hopeful that life won't stay right here and I won't let it. This is one horrible event in my life and I won't let it take me under. Please continue to keep me in your prayers! Thanks for being such good friends!