Monday, October 18, 2010

Living in a bubble

Yesterday I received a call from the nurse who gives the Synagis injections for RSV. We have to go every 28 days until April to help lower his chances of getting RSV this winter. She went on to tell us that we were to keep him out of grocery stores, restaurants, malls, and basically all public places for the winter. She also asked what I did for a living. When I told her I was going to be starting a new nanny position she told me "if you work with kids your son will get RSV". Nice, thanks for making me feel guilty for trying to put food on the table for my family. How the heck am I supposed to do that?
Our doctors told us back in March that we can't live in a bubble and who can stay inside all day long. We are "allowed" to go for walks.
I'm so frustrated. As if the pressure to keep him well wasn't enough now I have been made to feel guilty if I choose to take my kid in public. I want to protect him but when does living a normal life become important too? I want him to have a normal childhood not be shut up inside all the time. I wonder what I'll be expected to do when he wants to go to AWANA at church at 3 years old or preschool or being in Sunday School every Sunday. I want him to know God and be around people who will be his extended family. I want him to have friends. It's bad enough he can't interact with other kids who have CF. Now, he's expected to be alone too.
I just can't do it. We'll try our best to keep him out of those public places this winter, but I will not be forced to stay inside all day and not live our lives. I try to stay away from sick people, especially sick kids and I'll have to be very careful at work, change my clothes immediately before touching him and continually wash my hands at work to help keep from taking germs home to him. I would have to take these precautions even if I was working in an office. I will not be made to feel guilty.
I am his mother. I can make good decisions for him.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The job hunt continues...

Well, the job that I thought I had fell through. One day we were getting everything set up for me to start today and the next she chickened out. I was really angry on Friday when she emailed me to tell me she was hiring another nanny. The other nanny was cheaper than me and could give her the flexibility that she needed. We had talked on Thursday and I had assured her that I could give her flexibility, but I guess she didn't believe me. I think it came down to the money.
Oh well, no job, so the search continues. I don't care if it's a nanny position or an office job I just need a job by November 1st. I am on Paid Family Leave until the end of the month so for now we have enough money. We are anxious about using our savings to float us. We are lucky that we have savings to use, but we worry that it will take a long time to find a job and we'll eat through our savings in the process.
The good thing about this extra time is that I'm home with Ethan a little longer. I was having a very hard time thinking of leaving him and now that I'm home a bit longer I can enjoy being home for awhile longer. I guess I'm lucky that I've had 7 1/2 months at home with him and am still getting paid.
Ethan is almost 8 months old and weighs around 19 lbs. We go in to see the pulmonologist tomorrow for a weight check and for him to check to see how Ethan's doing overall. I think it will be a fairly routine appointment. Oh, and Ethan has gotten his 2nd tooth!

Apple Hill

A couple weekends ago, Ken and I took Ethan to Apple Hill for the first time. We ended up only making it to High Hill and were only there for 90 minutes but we had fun. Ethan watched the ducks in the pond and people watched as we walked through all the vendors booths. We bought a few things including 2 apple pies and some cider for Ken. Overall, it was a great day. I'm looking forward to next year when we can stay longer and take a train ride with Ethan. We drove all around Apple Hill checking out what farms we want to take Ethan to next year to pick pumpkins. I'm sure it will be a lot more fun next year.

Another case of Mom Guilt

I've come down with another case of mom guilt. All of you moms know what I'm talking about. We want to do everything right and beat ourselves up when we feel like we fall short.
Lately, it's been over food. Before Ethan was born I had every intention of making organic baby food. I started out making it, but after a few times I got lazy. It's not even that it's difficult because it's not. I am just plain lazy. I still buy mostly organic baby food, but it's expensive and I can't help but feel like I should have done more. I think mostly I feel like other moms might be judging me even if they aren't. When I was a kid my mom gave me baby food that wasn't organic and I turned out okay.
Lately, I've realized that every mom has something that they feel guilt over and we tend to compare ourselves to other moms. Whether it's comparing because we know our kids are doing something faster than others, or it's comparing because we want to make sure that our kids are not behind. Logically I know that every kid grows and hits milestones at different times and the books aren't always right. I need to let my kid be and he'll do it when he's ready. I wish I could just do that.
I also feel mom guilt about going back to work. I have to do it and I know it will all be fine, but I still feel guilty and sad. I'm also jealous of those moms who get the chance to stay home full time. I should be grateful that we can afford for me to go back to work part time. Some moms have no choice.
Basically, I guess, I'm just a big complainer today. I'll get over my mom guilt or find something else to feel guilty over, but I'm glad that I recognize it. I think I'd be in denial if I didn't.
For all those moms who have to work I feel your pain and your guilt. Please don't beat yourself up about it. We all can only do our best for our kids and we should be okay with that. No one is the perfect parent, so why should we expect ourselves to be?