What could have been...

Sunday, October 25th would have been the due date for the baby we lost back in March. I thought that I would be sad or wish that that baby was here. Although, I do wish that pregnancy was over and that I had a baby in my arms, I have a hard time wishing for a baby that would have made it impossible for baby Ethan to be here at the same time. I feel connected to my son especially since he started kicking and moving around so much 7 weeks ago. I know that if our first pregnancy had no complications I would have loved that baby just as much at this point. I still really have the feeling that that baby was a girl, which does make it a little bittersweet. However, I just can't imagine not preparing to bring our son into the world in 3 months.
It's crazy how your heart can heal and help you move on as life throws you something else. I know God has a plan in this and that Ethan must have an important purpose in this world. I've been trying to focus on the life that God is giving us and not so much on what could have been. Maybe that is naive, but I can't live in the "what-if" world.

Waiting...

Good things take time and waiting, to put it bluntly, sucks! I've been trying very hard to look at where we've come and remind myself that we have survived 3 weeks and 3 days. I long for the day when I won't keep track anymore. When a Sunday won't go by and I won't think, "oh I would have been 13 weeks". It's hard to get my mind to slow down and rest.
I met with my therapist on Monday and we talked about some ways to get my mind to rest. She told me to start envisioning my future. To envision what life will be like when we do bring a baby home and the joy we will feel. I want to believe so badly that that will actually happen for us, but I'm so scared it won't. I'm terrified that the biggest thing I have wanted my whole life won't ever happen. I've talked to so many women who have had this happen and they have gone on to have healthy babies soon after losing a baby, which gives me hope. I was feeling so optimistic when I was pregnant and now I feel so pessimistic and drained.
Life has somewhat gone back to normal. I finally made it back to work 2 weeks ago. I cried during my checkup appointment with the OB and didn't stop for an hour after, but I made it to work. I loved seeing my kids at work. It's strange some people think it must be hard to go to work and be with kids after losing a baby, but it makes me feel better. It makes me feel whole again. Unfortunately, once I leave work and life stops moving quickly around me I am back in my funk again. I'm not depressed all the time. I have good days and bad days. As time passes it gets better. I don't like to be alone though.
Ken is gone this weekend in L.A. on business and I've planned my whole weekend so I'm with friends and family. The worst times during the day are when I first wake up in the morning and when I'm going to bed. My brain just starts going a mile a minute with all the what if scenarios. I'm very ready to be pregnant again and for that part of my life to begin, but I do realize that it's not healthy to be living life 5 steps ahead of myself. I've struggled with this my whole life and never gotten ahold of it. Life always seems to go too slow for me and I find myself living 5 years in the future.
Please pray for God to help me live in the moment, for His peace to cover me and for me to trust that God has a plan. I may appear to be doing good on the outside, but on the inside I'm broken.
Thank you for your prayers!

Lessons Learned

In the last week I've been trying to figure out what I can take from this experience and here's what I've come up with so far:

Lesson #1 - I am not in control. I am a big planner and for those of you who have known me for a very long time, I tend to live in the future more than the present. I had these plans to get pregnant right away (which I did), have a baby in the fall (not wanting a holiday baby like myself), and so on. I didn't ever think that I would experience losing a baby. And although I feel out of control right now, it's mostly because I now know that I never was in control. God had a plan for how my life was going to go and no matter how much I planned He was going to take a detour from my plans.

Lesson #2 - I need to be thankful for where I am now. I've been learning to thankful for the present. Lately, I've been trying to recognize the small things that I am thankful for. It's really silly really. The things this week that I've been thankful for were: not having to pee every 20-30 minutes anymore, being able to use a facewash I couldn't use when I was pregnant, and being thankful that I now have a little more time just for me and Ken.

Lesson #3 - I need to let go and let my life happen around me. I know this one is a lot like #1, but it seems different. I realized that God gave me a desire to be a mother. I hope that He will bless us with healthy children, but I also know that He has placed children everywhere around me. My friends kids, my sister's kids, and the kids that I watch every day at work. Today at work, I sat back and realized that I feel whole when I'm with children. Despite how down I have been feeling when I'm alone at home, by the time I get to work I am in another world. I am happy and feel fulfilled.

This last week has been better than the week before. On Saturday, after trying to go back to work and not being able to stop crying to do so, Ken and I headed up to Calaveras County to the Big Tree State Park to take a small hike. In retrospect that was probably not the best decision for me since I was still healing. Needless to say, we ended up in the ER for 5 hours on Sunday night. By the time I got there the problem had gone away. I won't get into detail. It might gross some people out. I was told to take a couple more days off work and rest. Ken stayed home with me Monday, but Tuesday I was on my own. I stayed in bed and cried until my dad came for a couple hours.

Wednesday I went back to my OB's office for a checkup and thankfully everything looked good. But, I just couldn't stop crying and Ken had to convince me that going back to work was going to be good for me. I had been talking about wanting to see my kids at work and how I wanted life to start moving forward for a few days. I made it to work and felt normal finally. It's still a daily battle to get out bed and face the day, but I am hopeful that I won't always feel pain. I am hopeful that life won't stay right here and I won't let it. This is one horrible event in my life and I won't let it take me under. Please continue to keep me in your prayers! Thanks for being such good friends!

Saying goodbye

I really want to make sure that everyone knows how thankful we are for your prayers and support during this time. We have felt all your prayers!
For those you who may not have heard, I had a miscarriage on Tuesday. I went back in for a second ultrasound because I didn't believe that they had calculated my due date correctly last week. I figured I would go back in and they would remeasure the baby and either change the due date or I'd just have to live with the new due date.
As soon as they started the ultrasound and I saw the baby, I knew something was wrong. I remembered from our last appointment watching the heart beating. My doctor also didn't say anything for a few minutes. The longer she took the more I kept thinking, "Miscarriage, no it can't be". She finally said, "Unfortunately, I don't see a heartbeat and the baby hasn't grown since your last appointment." The baby was measuring 7 weeks and 2 days, and it should have been 10 weeks and 2 days. Ken had stayed home for this appointment because we figured it would be the same appointment as the week before. Luckily, we live across the street from Kaiser so I had my doctor call Ken. I was still in shock once Ken arrived ten minutes later. Another doctor came in to confirm that there had been a miscarriage and the doctor talked to us about where to go from here. Evidently, miscarriage is very common (20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage). I have talked to quite a few of our friends and family who have miscarriaged once and most of them have been first pregnancies. Although, we never imagined this would happen to us we will be okay.
By early Wednesday morning the baby was gone and I could feel the difference. I felt empty and alone. For those of you who have had a miscarriage you know how I felt. Wednesday was very hard. I was still in physical pain, but emotionally was even worse. I am comforted that our baby is resting in God's arms, but I'm also jealous that I don't have our baby in my arms. I know that God has a plan and that there was a reason that this is happening to us. I don't feel like I could have done things any differently or that I caused this to happen. There just obviously was something not right with the baby. Both doctors that we met with were very optimistic that we will be able to get pregnant again very soon.
The next time we do get pregnant, we will be very cautious and probably not tell everyone right away. Unlike this pregnancy, I'm going to try hard not to talk about getting pregnant again with our friends. When the time comes again, we will share with you all.
I am determined not to let one horrible event in my life take me over. This one event does change my life for the time being, but it will not break me. Ken and I are already stronger.
I'm going to be leaving the videos from the 1st ultrasound up on my blog because I want to remember that we had those few minutes to see our baby alive. I think that we were lucky to have that and to have it on video. We thank God for those few minutes with our baby and trust that He will bless us with children in the future.