Lessons Learned

In the last week I've been trying to figure out what I can take from this experience and here's what I've come up with so far:

Lesson #1 - I am not in control. I am a big planner and for those of you who have known me for a very long time, I tend to live in the future more than the present. I had these plans to get pregnant right away (which I did), have a baby in the fall (not wanting a holiday baby like myself), and so on. I didn't ever think that I would experience losing a baby. And although I feel out of control right now, it's mostly because I now know that I never was in control. God had a plan for how my life was going to go and no matter how much I planned He was going to take a detour from my plans.

Lesson #2 - I need to be thankful for where I am now. I've been learning to thankful for the present. Lately, I've been trying to recognize the small things that I am thankful for. It's really silly really. The things this week that I've been thankful for were: not having to pee every 20-30 minutes anymore, being able to use a facewash I couldn't use when I was pregnant, and being thankful that I now have a little more time just for me and Ken.

Lesson #3 - I need to let go and let my life happen around me. I know this one is a lot like #1, but it seems different. I realized that God gave me a desire to be a mother. I hope that He will bless us with healthy children, but I also know that He has placed children everywhere around me. My friends kids, my sister's kids, and the kids that I watch every day at work. Today at work, I sat back and realized that I feel whole when I'm with children. Despite how down I have been feeling when I'm alone at home, by the time I get to work I am in another world. I am happy and feel fulfilled.

This last week has been better than the week before. On Saturday, after trying to go back to work and not being able to stop crying to do so, Ken and I headed up to Calaveras County to the Big Tree State Park to take a small hike. In retrospect that was probably not the best decision for me since I was still healing. Needless to say, we ended up in the ER for 5 hours on Sunday night. By the time I got there the problem had gone away. I won't get into detail. It might gross some people out. I was told to take a couple more days off work and rest. Ken stayed home with me Monday, but Tuesday I was on my own. I stayed in bed and cried until my dad came for a couple hours.

Wednesday I went back to my OB's office for a checkup and thankfully everything looked good. But, I just couldn't stop crying and Ken had to convince me that going back to work was going to be good for me. I had been talking about wanting to see my kids at work and how I wanted life to start moving forward for a few days. I made it to work and felt normal finally. It's still a daily battle to get out bed and face the day, but I am hopeful that I won't always feel pain. I am hopeful that life won't stay right here and I won't let it. This is one horrible event in my life and I won't let it take me under. Please continue to keep me in your prayers! Thanks for being such good friends!