What could have been...

Sunday, October 25th would have been the due date for the baby we lost back in March. I thought that I would be sad or wish that that baby was here. Although, I do wish that pregnancy was over and that I had a baby in my arms, I have a hard time wishing for a baby that would have made it impossible for baby Ethan to be here at the same time. I feel connected to my son especially since he started kicking and moving around so much 7 weeks ago. I know that if our first pregnancy had no complications I would have loved that baby just as much at this point. I still really have the feeling that that baby was a girl, which does make it a little bittersweet. However, I just can't imagine not preparing to bring our son into the world in 3 months.
It's crazy how your heart can heal and help you move on as life throws you something else. I know God has a plan in this and that Ethan must have an important purpose in this world. I've been trying to focus on the life that God is giving us and not so much on what could have been. Maybe that is naive, but I can't live in the "what-if" world.

Oink, Oink...

It's amazing how scared I was of H1N1 before I got it myself. Last Thursday, I started feeling like I was coming down with a cold. I had a sore throat and started feeling congested. By Friday afternoon, the congestion was really bad and I had a cough. Before I left work the youngest one had a fever and was lethargic. I figured I must have caught something from work. That's typically what happens. Later that night I had a fever, but we don't own a thermometer so I don't know how high it was. I used cold wash clothes to keep it down.

Throughout the weekend, my cough got much worse and the congestion was out of control. My body ached which I attributed was just part of being pregnant. But, by Monday, I was really miserable. I still got up and went to work. I walked into work and my boss asked me if I wanted to go home because it was obvious that I didn't look so good. Two of her three kids were home sick that day as well. I stayed for an hour and a half so she could get some medicine and drop off her oldest at school.

On Monday night, I was getting cabin fever so I went out to Babies R Us with my sister to finish my registry. Ten minutes into our trip I started feeling dizzy. Here I was in Babies r Us squatting on the floor not really caring which sippy cup or bath towel to choose. My sister drove me home to my parents and we took my temp. It was 100.5. We decided it would be best to call Kaiser's advice line to see what I should do. I know any kind of fever is worrisome during pregnancy and I needed to watch it. After hearing my symptoms and telling her that I couldn't take Acedimenaphen because of an allergic reaction, she told me to come into Labor & Delivery.

It freaked me out that we were going to the hospital and of course, I worried about the baby. Ethan kept kicking all the way to the hospital so I felt positive that he was okay. They put me on a fetal monitor and Ethan's heartbeat was at its normal 140 BPM. I was given a gorgeous mask. They told me that they wanted to treat me for the flu. They stuck a nasal swab way too far up my nose to test for H1N1. Ken & I both thought this was overkill. "It's just a cold and a fever!". I started taking Tamiflu Tuesday morning and by Wednesday morning got a call from the hospital saying that I did indeed have H1N1. Luckily, they called that morning because I had planned to go back to work later that day.

Things I have learned about H1N1:

* It can be deadly, but it's very rare. Most cases are mild and very treatable.

* The symptoms are sore throat, cough, congestion, body aches, headaches, and fever.

* You are only contagious the day before you display symptoms and while you have a fever.

* 30% of pregnant women who get H1N1 are hospitalized and 90% of people with a cough or fever have H1N1.

I'm doing fine now. I have 3 more doses of the Tamiflu and I'm off work until Monday morning on quarantine. I'm very bored. There's only so much tv you can watch and sleep you can get. Ethan is doing great. He has kicked through the whole thing. He's probably better off inside me that out here with all the H1N1. Please continue to pray that we completely recover. I'm very thankful that God was watching over us. It could have been much worse.

Here's my belly button at 22 weeks and some change, which has already popped. Crazy! I had a very deep belly button before pregnancy so I'm surprised it's popped out so much. My sister told me to take a picture of it before my belly got bigger but I didn't listen. She says it never will look the same.

It's a...Boy!!!

Ken with the biggest grin on his face after finding out (above)
My 20 week belly (below)

We found out that our baby is a boy on Friday!!! I was a little shocked to hear that I'm having a boy. I was convinced that it was a girl. It's taken a couple days but I'm really loving the idea of having a little boy running around especially because I can't wait to see Ken with his son. Ken was such a proud papa after finding out the baby was a boy. In the ultrasound, we saw his ribs, spine, heart, abdomin, and brain. The technician showed us how he had his feet crossed at the ankles. At one point, he started scooting his feet up along my uterus to move back upside down. It was the funniest thing to watch especially because he didn't move his arms to help him up. It was like watching a kid try to climb up a door frame. He's a monkey.

It was really fun to watch Ethan, that's his name, bouncing all over the screen. As soon as the technician started the ultrasound his arms and legs started kicking all over the place. I've noticed that he is a very active baby. He kicks me all day I have grown to love and look forward to each kick. In fact, I think I'm addicted to the kicks. There is nothing in the world as great as feeling your own baby kick you from inside you. I love that he and I are connected in a way that no one else ever will be to him. I've been trying really hard to just enjoy the time that he is still inside of me. I know this time will pass quickly and soon enough I'll be chasing after him. I don't want to look back and wish I'd enjoyed every moment of pregnancy.

I've really enjoyed giving the baby a little personality. When I get kicks, I tend to put words in his mouth. Like when he poked my bladder during church a couple Sunday ago as if to say, "Hey, Mom, can you move this thing it's in the way?" or when I waited to long to eat lunch and as soon as I took my first bite he kicked me as if to say, "It's about time!" He's tends to kick me whenever I move to my other side during the night but go right back to sleep and if I'm trying to sleep in he'll usually leave me be until about 8 or 830AM when he starts kicking. I figure he's telling me, "Hey, Mom can we have some breakfast?"

Here are the ultrasound pictures:

If you turn your head to the left you can see his eye sockets, mouth, chin and nose, which looks a bit squished. You can also see his heart in his chest.

Ken added a little something to the same photo below. You may have to click on it to see what it is. It did look like Ethan was trying to catch something. Ken's little superstar. We're going to frame this picture and put it up in his room.

I'm now 21 weeks and feeling pretty good. My back aches and it's getting harder to get up and down, but I think I have it pretty good. I do have more energy than I did in the 1st trimester, but I'm still very tired toward the end of the day. All the up and down I do working with kids all day makes me even more tired and achy, but I hope I can work until January.