Waiting...

Good things take time and waiting, to put it bluntly, sucks! I've been trying very hard to look at where we've come and remind myself that we have survived 3 weeks and 3 days. I long for the day when I won't keep track anymore. When a Sunday won't go by and I won't think, "oh I would have been 13 weeks". It's hard to get my mind to slow down and rest.
I met with my therapist on Monday and we talked about some ways to get my mind to rest. She told me to start envisioning my future. To envision what life will be like when we do bring a baby home and the joy we will feel. I want to believe so badly that that will actually happen for us, but I'm so scared it won't. I'm terrified that the biggest thing I have wanted my whole life won't ever happen. I've talked to so many women who have had this happen and they have gone on to have healthy babies soon after losing a baby, which gives me hope. I was feeling so optimistic when I was pregnant and now I feel so pessimistic and drained.
Life has somewhat gone back to normal. I finally made it back to work 2 weeks ago. I cried during my checkup appointment with the OB and didn't stop for an hour after, but I made it to work. I loved seeing my kids at work. It's strange some people think it must be hard to go to work and be with kids after losing a baby, but it makes me feel better. It makes me feel whole again. Unfortunately, once I leave work and life stops moving quickly around me I am back in my funk again. I'm not depressed all the time. I have good days and bad days. As time passes it gets better. I don't like to be alone though.
Ken is gone this weekend in L.A. on business and I've planned my whole weekend so I'm with friends and family. The worst times during the day are when I first wake up in the morning and when I'm going to bed. My brain just starts going a mile a minute with all the what if scenarios. I'm very ready to be pregnant again and for that part of my life to begin, but I do realize that it's not healthy to be living life 5 steps ahead of myself. I've struggled with this my whole life and never gotten ahold of it. Life always seems to go too slow for me and I find myself living 5 years in the future.
Please pray for God to help me live in the moment, for His peace to cover me and for me to trust that God has a plan. I may appear to be doing good on the outside, but on the inside I'm broken.
Thank you for your prayers!