Stay-at-home mom

I'm a stay-at-home-mom for now and it's taking some getting used to. I like that I don't have to follow anyone's rules and I can plan my days around what I want to do, well sort of. I have to plan around Ethan, but you get what I mean.

It's been a little over a month since I quit my job and I'm still looking for work. I'm enjoying my time at home but I'm also a little bored. It seems like all the things I want to do with my free time involve money, which we don't have. Even a simple trip to the zoo cost something and now that Ethan's 2 he is not free most places. So we fill our days with trips to the park, walking with neighbors, play dates, play group and the occasional trip to Target or the outlets to explore.

I'm not complaining. I'd much rather be at home with Ethan than at work. I just need to get into a groove. By groove I mean I probably need to work on cleaning my house a little more than I do. It's not filthy but I don't clean nearly as much as I should. Sure, the bathrooms aren't disgusting, but the dusting that should have been done a month or longer ago is driving me crazy. But do I do anything about it no. I just go take a nap. It'll eventually get done.

I like taking naps when Ethan takes naps and sleeping in until he wakes up in the morning. What can I say, I love to sleep. I always have. I just hope I'm not being a lazy stay-at-home mom. I watch other moms and think they are super woman. They cook dinner every night, keep their houses looking great, toys organized and sometimes they even put makeup on. Shocking, I know. The best ones even bake during the day. I just can't summon the drive to do all these things. Am I the only mother who's this way?

I guess I'm too hard on myself. After all my kid is clean, knows his ABC's, does puzzles, reads all day, and is happy for most of the day. Why am I so hard on myself? I'm raising a good boy and that takes time and energy everyday. I'm being productive by taking good care of him.

So if having a messy house is my reality so be it. I'm not super woman and probably behind it all none of the women I think are perfect are super woman either. You can't do it all. Sometimes the most important thing about being a mom is being present and not running around like a mad woman all day. We all have been there. I just need to keep reminding myself that Ethan will only be small for so long and I need to be present with him everyday so I don't miss this time. I have the rest of my life to keep my house clean.

I'm mostly thankful for a husband that doesn't make me feel like it's all on me. I don't get asked why the house isn't in order all the time or why meals haven't been planned for the week. We figure it out together. I guess I do need to step up my game now that I'm home everyday, but I'll get there eventually. I'm not going to stress about it though. I'm a good mom and a good wife even if I don't get it all done.

Parenthood

When I dreamed about becoming a mom, I didn't think it would be like it is in reality. I'm not saying that I don't like how it is. It's just much different than I envisioned. I thought that as a mom and an experienced nanny, that I would have it all together. Sure, I'd have a few battles with sleep training, sleeping through the night, getting the baby on a schedule, but no biggie.
Then I became a mom, and all of that went out of the window. Now I know that being a mom requires constant switching it up. When you think you've mastered something it crumbles or you have to start all over. Being a mom with all of these difficult aspects to overcome is completely worth it, but my bubble has been popped. I'm 4 months in and sometimes I feel like this "job" will never end...and it won't. I love my job as a mom, but it's the stuff in between that sometimes makes me wonder what I was thinking before when everything looked so easy.
I have a great little boy, who is so easy going, follows a routine/schedule and eats like a horse. I still worry constantly about whether he's getting enough to eat or whether he's sleeping too much or too little. Just when I get him to sleep I start to worry that he's not breathing. I worry that I will fall down the stairs while carrying him or that someone won't take care of him as well as I would. I know from talking to other moms that all these things are just how moms think. You never stop worrying about your kids and I'm no different. This is just the beginning of the joys of parenthood and I'm up for the rollercoaster ride, even if it means constantly worrying. He's a great kid and I wouldn't trade him for anything. (Not even a years worth of full nights of sleep ;)

Teething

Oh how I loathe teething. I assumed that Ethan would get teeth earlier than most kids since he started drooling a lot around 2 months old. About a month ago he started knawing on his hands and a week ago he started looking like he was in pain. We have turned to Hylands homeopathic teething tablets & Tylenol. We always use both since the teething tablets give us just enough time to soothe him until the Tylenol kicks in. It seems to be working for the most part.
On Saturday we celebrated Father's Day, Ken's birthday and my brother-in-law's birthday at my parents house a few blocks away. Ethan was okay for the first couple hours. He just wasn't eating as well as usual. By 2pm he was inconsolible and by 3pm he was screaming so much I was almost in tears. Luckily, even on his special day Ken took over so I didn't lose it. He finally fell asleep with Tylenol in his system and although it was a short nap was able to eat much better for the rest of the day. Like I said before "I loathe teething". I know it's going to get worse and come and go. It looks and feels like he's getting his upper left tooth, but I have a sneaking suspicion that there is more than one tooth coming. Oh vay!

Mom Guilt

"Why I outta!"

All smiles

Ethan looks so much like me in this picture.

I've realized in the last weeks how guilty I feel when I leave Ethan. I guess it's a case of mom guilt. I find myself hurrying back sooner than I meant to, mostly because I really miss him, but I think it's also because of the guilt. I can't seem to stop it.
On the weekends Ken tries to let me sleep in, but by 8am I'm downstairs because I feel like I'm taking advantage by leaving Ken with the baby. Ken usually says, "Go to bed. I've got it!" I need to get over it and just sleep in. I totally trust Ken with the baby so that's not the problem.
My main problem with mom guilt is that I can't sit down and do something for myself without feeling guilty. If I go upstairs to read or take a bath, I keep thinking about how I need to get back to Ethan. I have talked to other moms who feel the same. I remember telling my sister last year that she needed to spend more time doing things for herself because taking care of herself would help her to be a better mom. I need to take my own advice. I never knew that being a mom came with the desire to constantly be everything for your kids.
I'm learning to let myself do special things for me. I know that it's just as important to take care of myself so I'm a better mom, as it is to take care of my marriage so we're better parents. I just need to actually do it.

Before I was a Mom...

An old friend of mine sent me this today:

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom

Mommy's injury

A few days after returning back from Ethan's 1st hospital stay, my left wrist started hurting a lot. I figured that I had held Ethan the wrong way and that his weight on my wrist in the wrong position was what caused the soreness. After seeing the doctor a month ago I was given a splint, told to take 600mg of Motrin 3x a day and that it should be better in two weeks. After two weeks it wasn't better, it was worse. It was then clicking when I used it and it hurt a lot in the morning. I headed back to the doctor a week and a half ago and she told me that it looked worse but I should discontinue using the splint because it looked like the pain was coming from inflammation. She referred me to the orthopaedic surgeon to see what was really going on. Unfortunately, the only appointment they had was a week and half out.
Today was my appointment and because Ken was at the hospital with Ethan I was able to go. The orthopedic surgeon gave me a cortisone shot and told me that I had tendonitis. Evidently, it's very common postpartum to have tendonitis because of all the fluid that you retain during pregnancy and hold onto for a few months after. I have the splint back on my wrist for another month. It's really uncomfortable and more so as I type on my laptop. Hopefully it will heal quickly and I won't need surgery. It takes 3-6 months to heal without surgery. Yuck! No biggie, it's not like I have an infant at home to take care of?
When it rains it poors. Since Ethan was born, I had a 3rd degree tear that took a month to finally even begin to feel better, Ethan was hospitalized for 8 days at 3 1/2 weeks, I was told I have dermatitis on my face and put on antibiotics for a month, Ethan got a cold which sent us to the hospital again, and I have tendonitis. I hope next month is better!

Life As A New Mom

I love being a mom! Today Ethan is 7 weeks old. We just went to the Pulmonologist's office yesterday for a clinic and Ethan weighed in at 11 lbs! I can't believe he's gained 2 1/2 lbs since birth. He's also 22 inches long! My little boy is growing so fast. Yesterday we met with the pulmonologist, the dietician, and the social worker. I was pleased to hear that he has completely recovered from the Brochialitis! The dietician told us that as he gets older he will be able to eat normal food. We will need to make sure he eats a well-balanced diet and that what he eats is high in nutrients. We will have to keep him away from juice, soda, tea and eventually coffee. We were told that Cystic Fibrosis kids tend to not eat a ton so what they do eat needs to be high in nutrients and that's why they want him to stay away from drinking anything other than water and milk. Kids who drink a lot of juice, soda, etc. tend to not gain the weight they need to and CF kids tend to not gain a ton of weight anyways. We are very happy that he is growing very well and that proportionately he's in the 68th percentile with the goal being to keep him over 50%.

Ethan and I are beginning to ease into a routine. He's such an easygoing little guy. I think his personality is a lot like Ken's. He is calm, social, talkative, and laughs a lot! A few days ago I laid him down on his playmat and he talked and laughed at a picture of a rabbit for 10 minutes. It's so fun to watch him learn new things and to take everything in. He loves to have conversations with us too! We'll ask him something and he'll coo back and laugh. It's really funny! I'll have to get a video and post it in the next week or so.

I really wish that we could afford for me to stay home with him full-time, but it will probably be unlikely. For now, I'm on maternity leave for who knows how long. I have an appointment with the postpastum therapist on Monday to extend my disability as long as possible. I'm hoping that in the end I can get an extension of 8-12 weeks and then I'll have Paid Family Leave on top of that. If all goes well I'll be off through the end of the summer PAID! I joke about wanting to get as much time out of the state money, but really I medically need it. I have postpartum depression, which is even more common in people who have Bipolar disorder. I've been managing with Zoloft and trying to take it easy. I've learned a lot of coping strategies through the years and especially over the course of the last year and a half being off meds. I will be going back on my medication soon since I've stopped breastfeeding altogether. That's a whole other post :) It usually takes a few months for meds to start to take full effect and we have to start all over now that my body has changed through pregnancy. I'm hoping it can be done fairly quickly, but also that I can have more time paid with my baby. For now, we're doing pretty good and we'll have to wait and see what comes next.

I'll post more pictures later in the week. He's growing so fast!