Mom Guilt

"Why I outta!"

All smiles

Ethan looks so much like me in this picture.

I've realized in the last weeks how guilty I feel when I leave Ethan. I guess it's a case of mom guilt. I find myself hurrying back sooner than I meant to, mostly because I really miss him, but I think it's also because of the guilt. I can't seem to stop it.
On the weekends Ken tries to let me sleep in, but by 8am I'm downstairs because I feel like I'm taking advantage by leaving Ken with the baby. Ken usually says, "Go to bed. I've got it!" I need to get over it and just sleep in. I totally trust Ken with the baby so that's not the problem.
My main problem with mom guilt is that I can't sit down and do something for myself without feeling guilty. If I go upstairs to read or take a bath, I keep thinking about how I need to get back to Ethan. I have talked to other moms who feel the same. I remember telling my sister last year that she needed to spend more time doing things for herself because taking care of herself would help her to be a better mom. I need to take my own advice. I never knew that being a mom came with the desire to constantly be everything for your kids.
I'm learning to let myself do special things for me. I know that it's just as important to take care of myself so I'm a better mom, as it is to take care of my marriage so we're better parents. I just need to actually do it.

Before I was a Mom...

An old friend of mine sent me this today:

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom

1st Mother's Day

I woke up on Mother's Day all alone. Ethan was still in the hospital and Ken had spent the night with him. We weren't sure if he would be released on Mother's Day or the day after. Once I got up I went to Starbucks to treat myself and get something for Ken. The weather was dreary. That was exactly how I felt too. I'd been looking forward to my 1st Mother's Day since last Mother's Day.
We ended up finding out around noon that Ethan would be going home and after 3 hrs were released to go home. After Ethan threw up on the way home and a bath at home we headed to my parents house to celebrate. We also had to finish my Mother's Day gift from my sister and me.
My mom loved her apron and cried when she opened it along with a photo of 3 out of 4 of her grandkids. This was the first year that I truly understood why we celebrate Mother's Day. As a mother, I now understand how my mom felt while we were growing up and what she did for us. It's overwhelming to be mom, but very worth it. I have such an appreciation for my mom. She is so strong and taught me how to be a good mom. I love you, Mommy!
Ken and Ethan gave me a kit to make a stepping stone with Ethan's footprints on it. The funny thing is I was planning on getting Ken the same thing for Father's Day. I guess I'll have to rethink that.
I hope all of you who are mothers had a wonderful Mother's Day. I can't wait for next year when I will wake up with my little boy jumping on my bed on Mother's Day.

"Mommy, I love my hands!"

My precious boy taking a nap

Notice that Ethan is Superman!!!

He wouldn't let go of the rings.

Ethan is growing so fast! The last time he was weighed he was almost 12 lbs and 23 inches long. He loves to bat at toys and likes to hold his keys. He's starting to master holding his head up for longer periods of time. I think that rolling over will happen in the next few weeks. I feel bad because he's hardly ever on the floor since he's always having some kind of treatments for CF. He loves to kick his legs and chew on his hands. He's getting pretty close to getting his whole hand in his mouth.
I love to watch him talk to the fan and to us. He's such a talker! Just like his mommy! Ken said that he had hoped that Ethan wouldn't be much of a talk until he was older, ha...fat chance of that. He's got Schwiesow genes! It was inevitable.
He's a very social baby. He likes almost everyone, except if he's feeling sick or is really tired. Once he's swaddled and has his binkie he will fall asleep in seconds. I can't believe I have such an easy kid. I know some of it must be dumb luck, but I like to believe that God gave us an easy going baby because of all of the other hurdles we were going to have to jump over. He's such an amazing baby!
I have a calendar in the kitchen to keep track of his milestones and I'm glad it's there because I would completely forget the dates that he has done all the things.
Just in the few weeks he has slept 6-7 hrs during the night 4 out of 7 days of one week before he got sick, started holding his head steady, starting grabbing at toys and gripping them trying to get them into his mouth, talks a lot and mimics whatever Ken or I say. He copies, "Goo", "Uh,oh", "Oh", & "Mommmm". When he was in the hospital last week I could have sworn that he said, "Elllla" when he cried. I know he doesn't associate those words with anything, but it's cute to see him mimic us and see how fascinated he is to listen to whatever we say. His grin makes my day and I just can't help but smile myself.

Great Strides Walk for the Cure

Ethan was exhausted after all that walking :)


I've been meaning to post about the Great Strides walk, but with all that's been going on you can see why it's taken me almost 2 weeks. On May 1st, our team of 12 people met at the Capitol steps in Sacramento along with about 500 other people to walk for the cure for Cystic Fibrosis. Our team raised $3210 between the 12 of us. We brought Ethan along in the front pack to keep him up and away from the germs of kids, but of course, he already had a cold. I thought he was getting better actually.
The walk was about 3 miles long through Old Sac, K Street Mall and around the Capitol. We had a BBQ at our house after the walk to say thank you to everyone.
We made t-shirts with Ethan's photo on the front and TEAM ETHAN on the back. Unfortunately, as soon as many of us put them on the transfer with the picture on it cracked. Ethan even had a onesie with his little face on it. I didn't get a picture of him in his onesie, but we did get some pictures of the day.

We're going home!

We were really happy to hear that we'd finally be going home yesterday. It took 3 hrs to get discharged, but finally about 230PM we were out of the hospital. We will have to continue nebulizers at home for another 2 weeks and he will still have his normal vest treatments 3x a day. Luckily, a month or so ago I bought a whiteboard to keep track of medications, feedings and treatments. I got it so that whoever came in our house to help us would know the dosages and what he needed everyday. It's still a little confusing, but less for us. For now, we're trying to take it one treatment at a time.
Please pray for patience for Ken and I while we try to adjust to having nebulizers, antibiotics, and vest treatments thrown into our already busy baby schedule!
Thanks for your prayers!
Erin, Ken & Ethan

A small setback...

When I arrived back at the hospital this morning Ethan sounded a little bit worse than yesterday. He's still not on oxygen, and his oxygen #'s are still above 95% which is great, but he is breathing a little harder. He's asleep right now finally after a night of coughing with my mom. It's unfortunate that we have to wake him to eat during the night so he continues to gain the weight back from last week. We have to do 4 vest treatments during the day and they have to be at least 4 hrs a part. Add that to eating every 4 hrs at night and 3 hrs during the day and it gets crazy. He can't do the treatment until 2 hrs after he eats or 45 minutes before he eats. It makes it difficult because it seems like we're constantly waking him up to do something to him.
He's a trooper. He loved reading, "Goodnight Moon" with me this morning. He stared at the pictures and listened intently to the words. I can tell that he's trying to be in a good mood, but he's really tired too.
I think he sounds like yesterday now that I listen to him. Usually nights are worse than the day. The pediatrician will be by in the next hour or so with the virus test results so we can see what exactly this virus is. He should also be able to give us a better idea of how much longer we will be here. I'm still hoping for tomorrow, but he would have to get back to where he was yesterday and then some. I'll send another update in a couple hrs.
Erin