What could have been...

Sunday, October 25th would have been the due date for the baby we lost back in March. I thought that I would be sad or wish that that baby was here. Although, I do wish that pregnancy was over and that I had a baby in my arms, I have a hard time wishing for a baby that would have made it impossible for baby Ethan to be here at the same time. I feel connected to my son especially since he started kicking and moving around so much 7 weeks ago. I know that if our first pregnancy had no complications I would have loved that baby just as much at this point. I still really have the feeling that that baby was a girl, which does make it a little bittersweet. However, I just can't imagine not preparing to bring our son into the world in 3 months.
It's crazy how your heart can heal and help you move on as life throws you something else. I know God has a plan in this and that Ethan must have an important purpose in this world. I've been trying to focus on the life that God is giving us and not so much on what could have been. Maybe that is naive, but I can't live in the "what-if" world.

Oink, Oink...

It's amazing how scared I was of H1N1 before I got it myself. Last Thursday, I started feeling like I was coming down with a cold. I had a sore throat and started feeling congested. By Friday afternoon, the congestion was really bad and I had a cough. Before I left work the youngest one had a fever and was lethargic. I figured I must have caught something from work. That's typically what happens. Later that night I had a fever, but we don't own a thermometer so I don't know how high it was. I used cold wash clothes to keep it down.

Throughout the weekend, my cough got much worse and the congestion was out of control. My body ached which I attributed was just part of being pregnant. But, by Monday, I was really miserable. I still got up and went to work. I walked into work and my boss asked me if I wanted to go home because it was obvious that I didn't look so good. Two of her three kids were home sick that day as well. I stayed for an hour and a half so she could get some medicine and drop off her oldest at school.

On Monday night, I was getting cabin fever so I went out to Babies R Us with my sister to finish my registry. Ten minutes into our trip I started feeling dizzy. Here I was in Babies r Us squatting on the floor not really caring which sippy cup or bath towel to choose. My sister drove me home to my parents and we took my temp. It was 100.5. We decided it would be best to call Kaiser's advice line to see what I should do. I know any kind of fever is worrisome during pregnancy and I needed to watch it. After hearing my symptoms and telling her that I couldn't take Acedimenaphen because of an allergic reaction, she told me to come into Labor & Delivery.

It freaked me out that we were going to the hospital and of course, I worried about the baby. Ethan kept kicking all the way to the hospital so I felt positive that he was okay. They put me on a fetal monitor and Ethan's heartbeat was at its normal 140 BPM. I was given a gorgeous mask. They told me that they wanted to treat me for the flu. They stuck a nasal swab way too far up my nose to test for H1N1. Ken & I both thought this was overkill. "It's just a cold and a fever!". I started taking Tamiflu Tuesday morning and by Wednesday morning got a call from the hospital saying that I did indeed have H1N1. Luckily, they called that morning because I had planned to go back to work later that day.

Things I have learned about H1N1:

* It can be deadly, but it's very rare. Most cases are mild and very treatable.

* The symptoms are sore throat, cough, congestion, body aches, headaches, and fever.

* You are only contagious the day before you display symptoms and while you have a fever.

* 30% of pregnant women who get H1N1 are hospitalized and 90% of people with a cough or fever have H1N1.

I'm doing fine now. I have 3 more doses of the Tamiflu and I'm off work until Monday morning on quarantine. I'm very bored. There's only so much tv you can watch and sleep you can get. Ethan is doing great. He has kicked through the whole thing. He's probably better off inside me that out here with all the H1N1. Please continue to pray that we completely recover. I'm very thankful that God was watching over us. It could have been much worse.

Here's my belly button at 22 weeks and some change, which has already popped. Crazy! I had a very deep belly button before pregnancy so I'm surprised it's popped out so much. My sister told me to take a picture of it before my belly got bigger but I didn't listen. She says it never will look the same.

It's a...Boy!!!

Ken with the biggest grin on his face after finding out (above)
My 20 week belly (below)

We found out that our baby is a boy on Friday!!! I was a little shocked to hear that I'm having a boy. I was convinced that it was a girl. It's taken a couple days but I'm really loving the idea of having a little boy running around especially because I can't wait to see Ken with his son. Ken was such a proud papa after finding out the baby was a boy. In the ultrasound, we saw his ribs, spine, heart, abdomin, and brain. The technician showed us how he had his feet crossed at the ankles. At one point, he started scooting his feet up along my uterus to move back upside down. It was the funniest thing to watch especially because he didn't move his arms to help him up. It was like watching a kid try to climb up a door frame. He's a monkey.

It was really fun to watch Ethan, that's his name, bouncing all over the screen. As soon as the technician started the ultrasound his arms and legs started kicking all over the place. I've noticed that he is a very active baby. He kicks me all day I have grown to love and look forward to each kick. In fact, I think I'm addicted to the kicks. There is nothing in the world as great as feeling your own baby kick you from inside you. I love that he and I are connected in a way that no one else ever will be to him. I've been trying really hard to just enjoy the time that he is still inside of me. I know this time will pass quickly and soon enough I'll be chasing after him. I don't want to look back and wish I'd enjoyed every moment of pregnancy.

I've really enjoyed giving the baby a little personality. When I get kicks, I tend to put words in his mouth. Like when he poked my bladder during church a couple Sunday ago as if to say, "Hey, Mom, can you move this thing it's in the way?" or when I waited to long to eat lunch and as soon as I took my first bite he kicked me as if to say, "It's about time!" He's tends to kick me whenever I move to my other side during the night but go right back to sleep and if I'm trying to sleep in he'll usually leave me be until about 8 or 830AM when he starts kicking. I figure he's telling me, "Hey, Mom can we have some breakfast?"

Here are the ultrasound pictures:

If you turn your head to the left you can see his eye sockets, mouth, chin and nose, which looks a bit squished. You can also see his heart in his chest.

Ken added a little something to the same photo below. You may have to click on it to see what it is. It did look like Ethan was trying to catch something. Ken's little superstar. We're going to frame this picture and put it up in his room.

I'm now 21 weeks and feeling pretty good. My back aches and it's getting harder to get up and down, but I think I have it pretty good. I do have more energy than I did in the 1st trimester, but I'm still very tired toward the end of the day. All the up and down I do working with kids all day makes me even more tired and achy, but I hope I can work until January.

Happy 3rd Anniversary, Sweetie!!!

On September 22nd, Ken and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. This year we decided to stay home to celebrate. The last two years we've been out of town in Tahoe or Santa Cruz on our anniversary. We had such a great night together. We made dinner together; steak, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and dutch crunch bread. It was great to have a night where we actually had a chance to talk while making dinner and just relax together.
After dinner, I decided to make Ken some chocolate chip cookies and as I was getting ready to put the first batch in Ken asked me if I wanted to take a bath. I have been so achy lately that a bath in our brand new bathtub sounded perfect. He went upstairs, filled the bathtub in the baby's room, added my favorite Sweet Pea scent from Bath & Body Works, put a Parenting magazine on the counter, brought my towel in from our bathroom and even left a small towel to put behind my head.
After my bath, he helped me get out of the tub, which was kind of a huge feat considering how big my belly is getting and how deep the tub is. We decided to watch the Wizard from the 1980's with Fred Savage.
I have such an amazing husband! Everyday I'm reminded of just how lucky I am to have found such a caring, sensitive, and supportive husband. One of the most amazing things about him is that he hears things that I myself at the time don't even think are that relevant.
For our anniversary he gave me a sign for the wall that says "All Because Two People Fell In Love". I have been talking about wanting this sign for our entire marriage. I've always wanted to make a wall in our house just for family pictures. He also gave me a picture frame that says LOVE down the side and said he wanted to put it up in the baby's room. I'm really not surprised that he remembered that I wanted this sign from so far back. He hates to give me gifts that I expect and completely ignored getting me what I asked for, a massage. I love that he really thinks about what he giving me.
Ken, you are the love of my life and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for putting you in my life. I'm so excited to see you as a daddy and to see where we are this time next year with a 7 month old.
I love you! Your Wife

Growing belly

I'll try really hard to not post only about the baby, but it seems to be the main thing going on with us right now.

I'm 19 weeks today! I started feeling the baby kick 2 weeks ago. I thought that I felt it at 16 weeks, but the feeling was much different. At 16 weeks, it felt like a constant pushing against my stomach. But, at 17 weeks it felt more like popcorn popping. It was a great feeling and very comforting. I started to feel the baby move more regularly, especially after I'd eaten. This happened for 4 or 5 days and then went away for 3 days. Of course, I started to freak out and worry that something was wrong. It wasn't until yesterday that I started feeling the baby again. It was a great relief. It's been really fun to talk to the baby. One night he or she wouldn't stop kicking me and we had to have a little talk before I could go to sleep.

We go in for the big ultrasound on October 2nd and we'll be finding out the sex of the baby that day! We're excited to paint the room and get everything ready for him or her. I'm really looking forward to calling the baby by his or her name. We're taking a whole crew with us to the ultrasound. My mom, my mother-in-law and my sister are going with us. I'll let you know when we find out.

Here are the most recent belly pictures:

Isn't it nice that my husband always cuts the top

part of my head off of these pictures?

49er's are playing in the background. He had to get

back to his game ;)

Nothing fits

I knew this day was coming...I just didn't think it would be such an emotional moment. In the last couple weeks my belly has become noticeable enough for people who don't know I'm pregnant to ask me how far along I am. It's been kinda fun. People now come up and rub my belly. Which I don't seem to really mind too much.

However, today when I went to put on my shorts and they no longer fit. I realized last week that none of my maternity pants fit anymore either. I guess it's time to do a little more shopping. Shirts don't seem to be a problem since I've been buying in the clearance bin at the 2nd hand maternity shop and I've had friends giving me their shirts now that they are done having kids. I lost it today right after I weighed myself and realized that I now had gained 9.5 lbs. I know logically that I'm gaining exactly how much weight the books recommend, but I happened to gain 2 lbs this week instead of my normal 1 lb so I freaked out. My hormones got the best of me. I came downstairs to tell Ken and was almost in tears. He tried to calm me down, but I just panicked.

After calling one of my best friends who just had a baby a few weeks ago and begging for a couple pairs of shorts to borrow until the end of September, I called my sister and completely lost it on the phone. She did her best to calm me down and reassure me that everything is alright. One really good piece of advice was that I just need to surrender to my body. I have no control. Which completely makes sense, since the baby's been controlling when I go to the bathroom, eat, sleep, etc for awhile now. If I wake up at 1am to pee, I am starving. The thought has crossed my mind to install a mini fridge upstairs. This baby is evidently a voracious eater.

After my hormone surge, I felt much better. I've settled into a stretchy, non-elastic, skirt that one of the women I work for gave me. It's so comfortable. Ahhhh!!!

At 17 weeks, the baby now weighs about 5 oz and is about 5 inches long from head to rump. The big ultrasound is in 3 1/2 weeks. I'm a little anxious to see that everything is okay and to possibly find out whether this baby is a boy or a girl. Ken still hasn't decided if he wants to find out. I really want to know now. If we're having a boy I want to fully be excited about it when he comes out. I really think the baby is a girl, so if we don't find out and it's a boy, I'm going to be completely shocked.

I go in tomorrow for my 17 week check up. I'll get to hear the heartbeat again and be measured for the first time. I keep thinking that the doctor will probably tell me I'm farther along than I thought or that they missed an additional heartbeat. I may look 5 or 6 months pregnant, but I'm still only 4 months.

The rumors are true

Some of you may have heard that I'm pregnant again!!!! We have been really excited and also very cautious this time around. I am finally into the 2nd trimester so I'm feeling less anxious, but I still have my moments of freaking out. The baby is due February 15th, but I'm aiming for February 8th, Super Bowl Sunday. Ken really doesn't want to miss the game so it's our little joke.
It's been really fun having a room to put all the baby's things into and organized. I have 5 bins of clothes from newborn to 1 year and a bin of blankets. We're in the process of researching cribs and dressers. Some of these stores take 6-10 weeks to deliver and I've heard sometimes they come cracked and have to be reordered. I think to be safe we're going to order in September. I'm hoping to have the nursery put together by January.

We went in at 8 weeks and saw the baby for the first time. Here is the picture:

If you look carefully, the baby looks like he or she is looking to the right and the legs are pointing to the right. It was so nice to finally see what looks like a real baby especially so small.

A week ago I went in for my 12 week appointment and we were able to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. I was in shock when we actually heard it. I went into the appointment expecting not to hear it. At first I heard the fluid swishing around, then my own heartbeat, and finally the baby's heartbeat. My doctor said that the baby was really low in my pelvis. I think the baby is on my bladder. I joke with the kids at work that the baby dances on my bladder.

This time around I was surprised to start showing so early. I noticed it at 8 weeks, and other people noticed at 10 weeks. I started wearing maternity clothes for the most part at 9 or 10 weeks. Everything else felt really uncomfortable. Here are some pictures of the growing belly:

11 weeks trying on maternity clothes.

Messing around with the bump at the store.

One of my best friends, Pam is due in a week and half. I don't even look pregnant next to her. Here's proof that we were pregnant at the same time.

13 weeks!!!

Ken's reaction to my belly that day was, "Oh my gosh!" He says he loves having a pregnant wife.

Ken has been pretty laid back when it comes to this pregnancy. He doesn't seem too worried and I'm sure I drive him nuts most of the time with my paranoia. He's been really supportive and helpful. He's been telling me to go sit down and rest when I start running around like a mad woman trying to do too much. I felt useless during the move since I couldn't really lift anything. We got it all done though.

Ken is certain that the baby is a boy and I am certain that the baby is a girl. The plan all along has been not to find out, but we are discussing whether we should find out anyways. I'll keep you updated as we have more doctor's appointments.