Ethan turns 3!!!

On Monday, February 18th Ethan turned 3 years old! I can't believe how fast three snuck up me.

Ethan has changed so much even in the last few months. He talks a lot!!! He's developed a bit of an attitude too. Lately he's been saying "Knock it off!" to us. I know where he got that from. We say it to him all the time.

Before his birthday I would ask him how old he was and he would respond, "2!" and put up two fingers. Then I would ask him how old he would be at his next birthday and he would say, "Fee (3) years old!". Then I would ask him what he was going to have at his birthday party and he'd say "AIRPLANES!" He's obsessed with airplanes. He's in luck because they fly over our house at least 2 or 3 times an hour.

It was pretty easy to pick what the theme of his 3rd birthday party would be and because my sister owns a Cricut we made all of the decorations. It didn't cost more than $5 to make them but took about 8-10 hours of time to make them and put them together. When he saw them he didn't know where to go first.

                                   Ethan's birthday cake was made by one of his best friends mom, Melissa.

                                                                Party favors

                                         The snacks were in the shape of airplanes and clouds.

                                                                 Airplane cookies

                                                          Judah taking a sip of juice.

                                                                 Lila with Uncle Tim

                    Ethan loves to sing "Happy Birthday" and this time he started singing it to himself.

It was a very fun party with friends and family! I think Ethan enjoyed himself and I loved putting together a party where he really loved the theme.

He's now really into robots so we're thinking robots next year but that could change in a year :)

You'll know I'm a mom...

Just some thoughts I had when I had a few moments to myself (kind of) in the shower.


You'll know I'm a mom by the bags under my eyes, the hot wheels and diapers that now replace the lipstick and powder in my purse and the excessive posts about my kids on facebook.

You'll know I'm a mom by the toys scattered around my living room, the massive amount of boxes of diapers in my garage and the food on my kitchen floor.

You'll know I'm a mom by the energy that comes out of nowhere to face the tireless day even after a sleepless night with a newborn or a sick child.

You'll know I'm a mom by the tears on my face as my child struggles through illness, rejection or misses his daddy while he's at work.

You'll know I'm a mom by the endless lists of tasks I hope to accomplish but never seem to complete before the list grows. 

You'll know I'm a mom by the extra 10 (okay, 20 lbs) I just can't seem to find the time to get off from the 1st and 2nd baby. 

You'll know I'm a mom when you hear me humming or singing the theme song to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse hours after I have watched it. 

You'll know I'm a mom by the old wardrobe in my closet and the new clothes in my child's closet. 

But mostly you'll know I'm a mom by the beaming smile on my face as my child achieves a new milestone, says "please" or "thank you" or is kind to a stranger.

Erin Dean ~ 2013
Mommy of an almost 3-year-old and an 8 week old.

I hope these thoughts that randomly came into my head today remind other mothers of the struggles and joys of being a mommy. It's the hardest, longest and most fulfilling job any woman will ever embark on.

Enjoy the journey!

Ethan & Lila at 6 weeks

If they weren't in gender specific colors could you tell the difference?

Lila's 6 week photos

 She looks like a rapper. All she needs is a backwards cap and a boombox.

 We have a photo of Ethan at 6 weeks faced the same direction and up close. I'll have to find it to compare.

Giving up on something that means so much

Life has been so incredibly crazy since Lila was born 7 weeks ago. Ethan has begun to adjust to having a sister and having to share time that used to be all his with her. He loves her! When she cries he gives her the binkie and if she continues he says "No crying Lila!" What's even funnier is the way he says Lila. It comes out "Yiya"

Lila is a good baby. She has had problems with gas and fussiness off & on since she was born. It mostly began when we started supplementing formula at two weeks to get her to gain weight more quickly. I was giving her pumped breast milk when I had the time to pump (very difficult with a toddler & a newborn) but mostly formula to supplement. We kept nursing, but it was not without problems. I would nurse her exclusively during the day, supplementing 1 oz of formula every other feeding. She wanted to eat every hour or two all day and the gas pains made her very uncomfortable. The more formula we gave her the gassier she was.

Meanwhile, she didn't want to nurse unless I was full. After 5 or 10 minutes on one side she would refuse to nurse, but was obviously still hungry. I'd switch sides and she would often take 5 or 10 minutes just to get started and once she did after it was half gone she would scream. I realized that she was a lazy nurser. If she had to work for it she didn't want to and so she was never truly full and needed to eat very often all day long to make up for it.

I kept telling myself that she would figure it out and she was getting enough because she was gaining weight and had wet diapers. However, I was really stressed out and not enjoying breastfeeding. She was obviously unhappy too. This was even more evident when I would give her a full bottle of formula or breast milk. She would lay awake looking so satisfied and happy. I was happy she was happy but also hurt and felt rejected.

After a long weekend away in Bodega Bay with friends, I had enough. She didn't nurse well all weekend because of the noise, over stimulation of people and gas problems. I didn't sleep more than 2.5 hours at a time and averaged 5 hours of sleep total a night. I'm used to Ken getting up once during the night to feed her so we each get a 5 or 6 hour stretch. By Monday morning at 5am I broke down as she screamed and refused to nurse for 30 minutes. I couldn't take the pressure anymore and began to really question whether I really wanted to continue.

It meant so much to me to breastfeed for as long as possible because I thought I'd have an even more special bond with my daughter. Since she's our last I also felt the pressure to give it all I had and make it happen since I'll never experience this again. There really wasn't a better choice. I worried that I would question my decision to stop nursing and that I'd wonder "if only I'd tried harder or did it a little bit longer". In the end, my sanity and the desire to enjoy every moment I have with my daughter won out.

I know how fast Ethan's babyhood went and I don't want to waste hers pushing myself to do something that is considered "the best for your baby". I've never felt that breast milk is truly "better" than formula. They make formula very well these days. I wanted to nurse to bond and to save money.

The funny thing is that when I posted about stopping nursing on facebook I had so many friends who when honest admitted that they too had many problems. Some worked them out, but more than I expected stopped at about this point. If we are honest as mothers about the things we struggle with I think it would take the pressure off of so many moms. As moms we feel like we fail when things don't go as planned or if our child does something others don't. We especially feel like a failure when it appears that other moms have done the same things easily. I wish the mom community could rally together, be honest and open about their struggles and support one another instead of judging.

Being a parent doesn't come easily and most of the time we are thinking on our feet with our fingers crossed behind our backs hoping it all works out in the end. Once we've figured one issue out another arises. Not one parent has it all figured out so let's relieve the pressure of trying to be the perfect parent because there is no perfect parent or right way to do things. Every child is different and every parent is different too.

From this point on I'm going to strive to be a better friend and to support other mothers. We are never truly alone if we can be honest about our struggles.

Lila Gail's Arrival (Part 2)

Friday we spent mostly going back and forth between my room on the 3rd floor and the NICU on the 1st floor. We realized quickly that Kaiser should have installed more automatic doors in the Women's
& Children's Center because at 3am there was nobody to help open doors for Ken to wheel me through.

Not only did we have such little time between feeding (because of travel time, time for me to get out of bed and use the bathroom, feeding her which took 60 minutes sometimes) but in the morning with hopes of breakfast after feeding her, a social worker came in, a clerk from the Birth Certificate office and the lactation consultant came in. We missed the lactation consultant who was upstairs when I was downstairs in the NICU.

By Friday afternoon we still had no answers as to when Lila would be joining us in my room. Ken and I became increasingly frustrated with the NICU doctor who we only met once. She informed us, along with some of the nurses on our floor, that once babies are admitted to the NICU they rarely (4 babies in 4 years) are sent back upstairs to their moms. We were angry. We told the nurses they needed to get the doctor to come back and that from what we'd gathered there was no reason for Lila to be in the NICU.

The nurse came back after paging and calling doctor saying that because of the IV fluids that were regulating her blood sugar that they couldn't release her. Our only choices were giving her formula to regulate her blood sugar or to put another IV in. I told them no formula that they would need to replace her IV. Realizing that we were not going to get her out of there we focused on trying to both we released on Saturday.

By late afternoon the NICU had a plan. They would check her blood sugar at 5pm right before her feeding and if it was above 55 they would send her upstairs with me. It was 74!!! They also wanted to recheck it before her next two feedings to assure her blood sugar was stable. What really ticked us off is that she never had low blood sugar, even at birth. It was only because they had started the IV that they were worried about taking it away. Ridiculous!!!

It's a good thing that she was released that afternoon because I was in so much pain I don't think I would have made it through the night getting up to feed her every 3 hours. We spent the evening/ night getting my pain under control. I could barely get out of bed to use the bathroom which was only 4 feet from my bed.

We decided to stay until Sunday to manage my pain and try to get some rest. Right...rest in a hospital!

Friday night Ethan came to visit his sister for the first time. He looked a little out of sorts when he first came to the door, but ran to my bed to cuddle with me. He sang "Happy Birthday" to her and kissed her head. I think he thought it was weird that his mom was in a bed and looked so tired and worn out.

The rest of Saturday and half of Sunday we tried to relax. My mom came to help with Lila Saturday morning and my sister stayed on Friday night to help with nursing and to let Ken go home for the night and half of Saturday. Lila nursed very well and we finally met up with the lactation consultant who told me I was doing it all right and congratulations that we made it out of the NICU without formula. She said she was surprised someone in the NICU didn't just give her formula. Yikes! I guess we dodged a bullet on that one.

Overall, our hospital experience, minus the NICU doctor, was a good one. We were ready to come home though.

 Our 1st photo as a family of four

 Lila & Daddy

 Uncle Tim & Lila

 Mommy & her babies

 The Dean's

 Grandpa & Lila

More about that in my next post.

Lila Gail's Arrival

 
On Thursday, December 6th at 1017AM we welcomed Lila Gail Dean into the world. I had an elective scheduled c-section because we believed she would be a big baby.

Having a c-section is so much different than a regular birth and not just for obvious reasons. It was great to know what day she would arrive, get up take a shower, put my make up on. On the other hand, it was nerve racking because I knew how many hours and minutes it would be until surgery.

We arrived at 7am and waited two and a half hours for surgery. The prep time actually went faster than I expected it to and at the last minute they almost bumped my c-section for an emergency c-section.

As I walked into the operating room I started to get really nervous and shake. I wanted to run out of there, but had to keep focused that this would be over soon and I'd have my baby girl. The next 15-20 minutes went by very fast and very slow all at once. They had me sit on the edge of the gurney while they put the spinal epidural in. After numbing the area, they started to put the needle in and I felt it so they had to stop to numb it more and from there on I didn't feel anything. My legs were numb within minutes and I was laying on the operating table, shaking.

Once they started surgery, Ken came into the room and I think my eyes told it all. I was scared and the shaking gave it away too. The anesthesiologist told me what they were doing during surgery, minus the bloody details. As they got closer to taking her out I heard the doctor say, "She's a big one" and then "We might need the vacuum" and then within 30 seconds they pulled her out and she started screaming. I immediately started crying because every mother's relief is to hear their babies cry for the first time knowing that they are okay. They showed her to me and Ken over the drape and then took her over to the warmer to weigh her. Ken said he felt torn as to where to go. He went over to be with Lila for awhile. 

Lila Gail Dean 8 lbs 11 oz & 21 inches long

We spent the next few hours in recovery. I started feeling nausea and eventually threw up which was interesting considering I had just had surgery on my abdomin. Lila nursed for the first time like a pro and we were moved back into a room in Labor & Delivery that we would stay in until a room was ready for us on the Mother & Baby floor.

While in the room Lila started grunting a little and coughing up amniotic fluid. It's very common for c-section babies to get amniotic fluid stuck in their lungs because it hasn't been squeezed out like it would in a regular delivery. They decided to observe her and eventually to admit her to the NICU to make sure all of it came out and promised we would most likely have her upstairs with us by the next morning.

The rest of the day I felt awful. I experienced nausea, incision pain, and was sweating a ton. On top of that my baby was in the NICU without me. Ken stayed with her and by 4pm had a good report. Within an hour of being admitted to the NICU she was having no problems. We were encouraged that she would be with us by the next morning.

I painfully got out of bed and into a wheelchair to go down to the NICU that night around 8pm to feed her. I planned to come back the next morning to feed again because they told us they were giving her nutrients through her IV. I don't know why I didn't wonder what "nutrients" meant. There's only two things that babies can really have for nutrients - formula & breastmilk. We told them no formula & no pacifiers.

Around 1am, 2 hours after Lila should have had her scheduled NICU feeding a nurse called me and said, "Are you going to come feed Lila? She's been screaming for over an hour." Crying I got myself up out of bed and into the wheelchair and we headed down to the NICU to feed her. From then on we had to come to the NICU every 3 hours to feed her and only on the NICU's feeding schedule. By the time I'd finish feeding her and get back to my room 60-90 minutes would have gone by, then it would be time to do it again.

I'll blog about Day 2 in a bit. I need to go feed Lila.